Not For Me

I walk amidst all the shoppers from this time of year
Trying to grasp the Christmas spirit, which seems for some reason to escape me
I just can't figure out why, the reason remains very unclear
This ungodly feeling, from life itself, I just want to flee.

Out here, the smells and colors of the season for some reason seem to escape me
I watch others, filled with the spirit of the season, but not for me
But my reason for this, I just can't see
I know my feelings, this isn't how it is supposed to be.

I hear people as they sing the traditional songs of the season
But the feeling I used to get just totally bypasses me
This time of year, I should have that special feeling, one of enchantment, I should be having fun
My soul should be filled with magic, I should be happy and full of glee.

I just don't understand, what on earth is happening to me
In years past, this time of year always put a smile on my face
I just want to know why I have this feeling of doom, it just doesn't make sense to me
For some reason I don't feel like I belong to this time, this very place.

I don't even have a memory of yesterday, I can't help but question as to why
I within wander along the city streets, watching as others seem so happy
These feelings of doom and gloom, it seems within my very soul, I'm experiencing some sort of lie
The spirit of the season, why to me does it not apply?

I stop, to ask a person directions to a certain place, but all they do is pass me by
Acting like I don't even exist, are they being rude, is there a logical explanation Then I try touching something, my hand goes right through, I think now I have my explanation as to why
At first I did not know, the day before, I happened to die.